I’ve had chronic depression since I was 11. My brain chemistry is off, and most of the time I do great on medication. It’s not something I generally think about. Despite being depressed for so long, I’ve only thought about suicide twice. Once was when I was working at a summer camp, was off my meds for the summer, and was home for the weekend. I took a bath, and thought about drowning myself in the tub so I wouldn’t have to go back to the camp. I didn’t do it.
The other time was last week. After the hurricane, the power was out in the office and there was no way for me to get to the warehouse so I was working from home. I still had power and internet. Most of my work was trying to contact my employees and see if they could get to the office and help clean up, or hours spent calling gas stations to find any that had any gas. They rarely answered the phone.
A couple days after the storm, Pike, Laura, and Laura’s boyfriend brought over Laura’s cat since the power was out at her place. I freaking love this cat.
A couple days after that, on Friday, Pike wanted to bring over a bunch of paper from the office, some of which had gotten wet in the flooding so I could dry it out. I’d gotten up at 9am because an employee was paranoid about something going on in the office and Pike and Bossman were still sleeping. It took hours to calm him down. I said that Pike could bring it if he took all of my boxes and cardboard. It was nice seeing the boxes and cardboard out of my apartment, but there was so much more paper than I expected. I finally figured out that I could dry the papers by ironing them, but that was a time-consuming process. At around midnight, Pike called saying there was an emergency and I needed to find places with diesel right away. He wanted a map of a route of places that had diesel according to this spreadsheet he found. I worked on it until 2am.
The next day was Saturday, and I was expected to continue drying papers but was interrupted constantly with requests to find various things online and call them and get prices. The only in-person human interaction I’d had in the last week was when the cat was dropped off and when the papers were dropped off. Sunday was similar. At around 7pm Pike asked me to find something I knew would be very difficult at that hour on a weekend. After I managed to find it, Bossman said he actually wanted something else. Something completely impossible. I was asked to find that.
I knew I couldn’t find the thing. I couldn’t think of a way out. If I refused to do it, I could loose my job which I absolutely cannot afford to do. If I wasn’t alive anymore, I thought, I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit. I didn’t think about what I’d miss out on by not living. It seemed peaceful. I thought about what would happen. Work would definitely freak out if I stopped responding to IMs/emails/phone calls, but how long would it take someone to go over there? Would the cat be okay? The cat was sleeping on this plastic bag full of pillow stuffing and she looked so happy and warm. I knew there was no way I could go through with it with the cat there (I hadn’t even begun to contemplate how). I noticed Lippy was online, so I IMed him:
Me: I’m so freaking depressed right now.
Lippy: Oh no.
Me: I look like shit.
Lippy: I don’t care. I don’t judge.
Me: Thanks. I think I just want to go cuddle the cat right now.
Lippy: Go give the cat some cuddles. I’m here if you need me.
I scooped up the cat and brought her to my bed where she let me hold her and purred. After a while I got back up and told Pike I was going crazy and there was no way I’d be able to find the thing Bossman wanted. I think he finally realized that, yeah, I’d been working 12-hour days and I was in that apartment with just the cat and I’d been dealing with all these emergencies so maybe I needed a break. After that, things started getting better.
I don’t think I would’ve done it, even without the cat around, but every time I started feeling really awful, that cat was there. I could talk to her, and she made me laugh. So maybe the cat did save my life, but she at least saved my sanity.
I haven’t died from the storm. In fact, I still have internet. (It’s a bit off and on, but I’m still logged in and writing this.) I even went outside, met some neighbors who were friendly and cool (proving the whole myth about people being unfriendly here to be false; I never talked to my neighbors in my old city) and went with them to check out the flooding of one of the rivers. Almost got blown away, but made it home to find my power still on.
Today Lippy seemed very concerned about my storm preparations. Lippy, after assisting me with furniture building, left the country. He was unsure how long he’d be gone, but now it looks like it will be a couple of months. He’s still IMing me daily, or at least when we’re both awake due to time zone differences. Two months was even longer than he was gone the first time.
I’m a bit concerned that he’s taking whatever it is we’re doing more seriously than I am. When he was here building furniture (and you have to realize he tends to mumble) I thought I heard him say “I love you” but it was mumbly and totally could’ve been something else, but I thought I had to respond just in case so I said, “No you don’t.” Who knows what he actually said, but it was kind of weird. Who starts dating someone in a city they’re in temporarily, runs home at a moments notice and then stays there for a week, and then returns for a few days only to leave for some foreign country for two months? And who willingly goes along with that? Oh. Wait. Right.
After watching the 30 Rock episode where Jack is dating different people that serve different purposes, I joked to Pike that, I, too, was “pokemoning.” Lippy serves the basic boyfriend functions, well, when he’s actually here: being supportive, cuddling, building furniture, and taking me out to nice places. (I guess he still does the first one while gone.) LHG1 exists to be sexy and sexytimes. Finally, there’s Cali Guy, who exists to send long soul-searching emails to.
I wish the emails were more flirtatious. I wish he’d mention that he’s considering moving here, because I don’t want to reveal that I know this. As then I could actually attempt to talk him into it.
Although if one day they all demanded exclusivity, I’d probably pick Cali.
I’d hear them out first, of course. I’d want to know what they were offering.
Speaking of offering, I still haven’t gotten a new job offer. Since I still won’t be able to come into work tomorrow, if the power and internet are still working I might do some more job hunting. Today I lazed around most of the day and read, but tomorrow I want to at least try to be productive. I’m almost done with all my furniture!
This title sounds like it’s some kind of self-improvement piece of dullness, but it’s not, I swear!
Yes, it’s been a while since my last update. Here’s what’s been happening:
The company that called my references is pushing me off until the end of the month, but I’ve had even more interviews. It’s gotten to the point where the “we want to interview you” email no longer excites me. I have another interview on Tuesday at a new place. Interviews are great and all, but I could really use an actual offer! I can be such an awesome employee if you just stick me in a job in an industry I actually care about, which all of the jobs I’m applying for are in.
Cali Guy and I have been sending very long emails to each other, which I absolutely love. It’s hard to find people who can actually give good email these days. I get excited when I get an email that’s not like this: “hi kloudy its soandso how r u?” These have punctuation! Grammar! Actual paragraphs! Lust. Lust. Lust. And I like him more the more he says about himself. I have no idea how to go about convincing someone to move here though, even if, according to his friends, he “is thinking about it.” I can’t even get my best friend to come visit.
Speaking of visiting here, Lippy is back, and he bought me a very nice dinner on Friday and I wasn’t sure if he was going to want to go back to the sort-of-dating thing or just be friends, either of which I decided before hand I was fine with, but he started kissing me at the restaurant when we were drinking fancy cocktails and waiting for a table. So that answered that. He slept over at the apartment but we were still unable to consummate the sort-of-dating-thing due to womanly issues.
You know what he said? “Cloudy, you make me feel young.”
I said, “You’re younger than me.” (By a few months.) He was referring to my college-like lifestyle.
I said, “I was actually really boring in college. I didn’t start acting crazy until a couple years ago.”
Speaking of my apartment, I spent the day at IKEA with my friend Daniella spending all my discretionary income on furniture. It’s all set to be delivered tomorrow, and unfortunately can’t get Lippy to help me because he has to go abroad to do some family thing.
It’s uncertain if he’s coming back here after or going home.
His life is so up in the air right now. He doesn’t know what he wants to do with it. You know who else doesn’t know what to do with his life? Cali Guy. I swear, I either attract people in third-life crises or I’m somehow attracted to them. I know what I want out of life. I want an awesome job here, to read a lot of books and maybe write one, to do more hand-lettering, to get a cat, and to have a family. Then the guys are all, hurr I don’t know what I want! These two are my age, and I’ve thought maybe dating older men would mean that they had goals and knew what they wanted out of life, but that hasn’t been the case either. I should start asking “what are your goals?” on first dates.
1. I moved to my apartment in Manhattan.
2. I ended things with bad-teeth-smelly-cologne-lives-in-BFE guy.
3. I went out twice with a very sexy long haired guy (dubbed LHG1 as there are hopefully more long haired guys in my future) and consummated the dating on Monday.
4. Lippy says he is coming back and I thought a text he sent yesterday meant he was back, but I haven’t seen him, so I don’t know.
5. I had a second interview for a very promising job that is going to call my references.
On Saturday, after I’d moved and napped, I went out for drinks/snacks with Pike’s other ex Laura, her boyfriend who lives near me, her friend who looks like Katy Perry, and a guy I hadn’t met before who was super cute, totally my type physically (tall, dark hair, glasses, skinny–no long hair but close enough) and then I learned quickly he was a) nerdy, and b) hilarious. He kept talking about this particular neighborhood in Brooklyn so I finally asked if he lived in that neighborhood, and he said no, he actually lives in California and was just visiting for a while.
Anyway I mentioned him to Pike. Who mentioned him to Laura. Who said that he and Katy Perry dated a long time ago, so Pike mentioned him to her (this was all unknown to me until after the fact) and then he friended me on Facebook.
Back in Cap City I had this friend that I met because she was the other ex of this guy I dated briefly. She and I became very close in a short period of time. Some of you might remember her from my former blog; I called her Melita.
Melita moved away a few months before I left, and in the beginning we talked online all the time but when she started working she wasn’t online anymore and we stopped. We didn’t talk much for a while after that, until recently.
I don’t want to be too detailed right now but she’s going through a very rough time, as in she’s going through something I have no idea how to go through.
So I told her I’d try to come visit, not this coming weekend since I’m moving, but the next if the flight tickets don’t skyrocket after I get paid. She was happy about that but now I haven’t really talked to her since then–I should probably text her tomorrow and she if she’s okay.
The irony is that she lives in the same metro area as Lippy.
When I told Lippy about this, he ignored the whole “me going out there” thing.
But he confuses me because he called me randomly today and we talked for about a half hour. (You have to realize, a half hour is a long time for a phone conversation for me; it’s my least favorite form of communication. Eventually I came up with an excuse to get off the phone even though the conversation was going just fine.)
I don’t even know if I’d have time to see him if I went down there for three days. I’d hate to get there and be all, “Hey Melita, sorry your life sucks right now, great to see you, now I’m off to see this guy.” That would be bad. I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t want to do that.
So my dating life has not improved much since getting here. Not that I expected it, but I was sort of hoping that Cap City guys were particularly awful and maybe it would be better. Thus far, I have:
-Had a guy I dated for about two weeks return home earlier than he anticipated and not tell me until he was there.
-Gone on a date with a guy who turned out to be too nerdy for me. (That’s saying something.)
-Been on three dates with a guy who, on date number three, had shaved his face for me but I still refused to make out with him even though we watched a movie in my bedroom and oh yeah my bed still smells like cologne. Also, I noticed in the bright lights that are missing from bars that he has bad teeth. Furthermore, he likes living out in BFE, where I’m moving to Manhattan next weekend.
-If you’ve been reading my twitter, then you also know about the IM Seducer.
I am feeling somewhat, just a tiny bit, hopeful about a date on Tuesday. He has longish hair, no beard, great looking lips, and is a musician. I mentioned him to my BFF Blue and we were joking about my panties “falling off.” We’ve been texting most of the weekend (yes, despite my running out of texts for the month) and he seems sane enough. I guess we’ll see, right?
Friday was insane:
Morning– Went to the post office for the last of the money orders. The subway was delayed and packed, so I was running late. I thought for sure something would go wrong, as it had the other two times I got money orders, but it actually went smoothly this time. I’m now broke until the next pay period (and there better not be any delays this time).
Still Morning – Signed my lease! It was very exciting. Did I mention my realtor is kind of cute?
Around Noon – Took the subway to the Manhattan office. Met with Pike who showed me how to do various tasks for his job since he’s gone this week. Yes, again. Yes, I might kill him.*
Afternoon – Went with Pike to pick up Bossman’s son from school. His school isn’t in Manhattan. It took a long time to get there. And a long time to get back, although part of that was on the subway as Pike dropped Bossman’s son off at home and me off at a subway station so he could rush to the airport.
Later in the Afternoon – Back in the office, I had to FedEx a check to someone. Due to some extreme fortune, I exited from the subway right in front of a FedEx store. It was still a few blocks from the office so there was some running back and forth involved.
Evening – Took the subway + train to the airport to get Pike’s car.
Night – Drove Pike’s car back to the house.
Then I spent the rest of the weekend playing with Pike’s other ex’s cat, as I’m taking care of the cat while she (the ex) is in France. (Pike is not in France, just to be clear.) I avoided seeing the guy I’d gone out with the last two weekends. I’m still not sure how I feel about him.
Pros: He’s funny, attractive enough, and we have similar interests.
Cons: He’s a workaholic, lives in BFE with no desire to move to the city, and isn’t looking for something serious.
I was talking to a friend of mine about this, and how I wouldn’t mind dating him until I do find something serious, but I’m afraid I’ll develop feelings and then things will get complicated. Since that’s kind of what happened with Lippy. I knew he wasn’t going to stay here forever, but then he left way earlier than I thought and I realized I had feelings for him.
Thursday I went out for drinks with some coworkers, and The Kid was telling one of their girlfriends about Lippy, and he said, “Cloudy and Lippy are sort of dating.”
I said, “Well, we were, until he left.”
The Kid said, “Oh he’ll be back, I’m sure of it.”
This was odd since the other day we’d walked home from work and The Kid had asked me if I knew if Lippy was going to come back and I said that he hadn’t told me one way or another.
I just found The Kid’s comments while we were out to be odd because I feel like it’s over, since Lippy’s gone, we still IM/text a lot but he never says anything remotely sexual, and even if he did come back I’m doubtful there would still be anything. The Kid was also trying to convince me I should go to this Halloween extravaganza Lippy/The Kid/Bossman’s friend Shirtless is putting on in another state. I told The Kid I didn’t want to go since I need alone time and it’s basically going to be 15 people sharing a house for a week. The Kid told me Lippy has his own room. But the only reason why I know about the whole deal is that Shirtless told me about it. If Lippy actually expressed a desire for me to go, I might consider it since if he wanted me to go I’d be thrilled to spend a week with him and because I’m sure it would make good blog fodder.
But I probably wouldn’t actually go since I’m looking for new jobs and might be working somewhere new in October and it might be weird for me to suddenly as for a week off right when I start working.
And also Bossman is going to be there. And I don’t like socializing with him since he is crazy. Oh and The Kid isn’t even going himself. I was mentioning it because The Kid seems to have a different perspective on my “relationship” with Lippy and I’m wondering why.
Speaking of interviews, I have two this week! One tomorrow morning (so I should really get to sleep) and one on Tuesday, although the Tuesday one hasn’t been confirmed. I’m excited about the one tomorrow because this HR woman at this startup actually found my resume online and called me up on Friday, and the company seems really cool. I’m feeling really optimistic about my job search. The economy sucks, but I’ve been getting a lot of calls and even some real interviews and I haven’t been looking long. This is New York! And I’m here, and surely someone will hire me, because I’m awesome.
*Not really. If somehow he ends up murdered, it was not me, I swear.
This hasn’t been the best week so far. Things that have happened:
On Friday I went on a second date with someone I’d gone on a first date with last Saturday, and on the date I just didn’t like him as much. Of course, this means he’s totally into me. This always happens. I haven’t completely gotten rid of him though. He wants to go out this weekend. I think he might be attractive if he shaved the pubes off his face. (That’s what I think beards generally look like. There are some exceptions. He is not one.)
The next day I did some major apartment hunting and found a bunch including a reasonably priced place in a nice neighborhood in Manhattan which I actually heard back from and it seemed legit so I went to see it (and two other places) on Saturday. This place was my favorite of the three. It’s a one bedroom, small of course but not minuscule. It has new kitchen appliances including a dishwasher (required) and it’s on the first floor of a 6 story building with no elevator (so yeah, some people walk up to the sixth floor every day–I told the agent he should advertise these apartments by saying that a gym membership is not required). It allows cats (also required) and there is laundry downstairs. Oh, and it’s about 5-6 blocks away from Central Park and the Metropolitan Museum of Art?
I emailed the agent before I even got home mentioning that I wanted that apartment. He said it was still available and I could come apply for it on Monday, so I came to the office early Monday morning and did the application. He said he’d try to let me know in a few hours.
I waited. Then I decided to check and make sure I’d gotten paid so I could afford all of the required deposits and such. I had not been paid.
Furious, I IMed Pike demanding to know where my money was. Apparently stuff had gotten messed up while he was out of town and finally, after much harassment, I got him to tell me I’d be paid Wednesday (that’s tomorrow).
Irritated, I started applying for jobs like a crazy person.
When I finally heard from the agent that evening, he said the landlord wasn’t in that day so I’d hear the next day (Tuesday, today). I was a bit relieved because I knew they’d want me to sign the lease and pay for everything right away, and obviously I couldn’t do that. So at least there’d be some time.
I was still afraid that I’d end up losing the apartment because of Pike’s err.
Then, I found an advertisement for the best job ever. I spent about an hour filling out their survey, and when I hit submit, I was told that the position had already been filled.
I wanted to cry.
On the way home I was so depressed I called Blue and whined at him for a half hour. It really helped.
Today things got a little better. First, Pike seemed on top of things payroll related, so although I haven’t been paid yet I’m actually expecting to see the money in my bank account tomorrow. Then, I got the email I was waiting for, THE APARTMENT IS MINE! Ladies and Gentlemen of the blogosphere, I am going to be a real Manhattanite! I am SO EXCITED. And I’m going to get my stuff back! I miss my stuff so much.
Then I got an email about one of the jobs I applied to, and they want to call me on Friday! I’d also gotten an email about another job (one I’m actually not really qualified for) that wanted to call me tomorrow, but I have no idea if they actually will be calling and if so, when they are going to call. The woman also asked me if I’d be interested in working in their office… in Cap City.
Oh no. Oh Hell no.
I wrote back saying I was not interested in working there, only in here.
Because this is where I want to be. I love this city.